


You Cannot Be Serious

by encore_koscribbles



Category: Black Clover - 田畠裕基 | Tabata Yuki
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Black Clover Spoilers, Elves, Gen, I'm not sure why I wrote this but it was fun, Lots of scandals, alternative universe, idols and scandals, inspired by kahono's dream to become an idol, most characters in the black clover cast will appear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25160452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/encore_koscribbles/pseuds/encore_koscribbles
Summary: “... Did you just sell my organs?”“What?” Patry squawked, looking completely scandalized. “Of course not, you need those in your body to perform!”In which the most famous idol in the land of Clover, Licht (25), got into an accident right before a very important concert, so William Vangeance (16) was hired to become his stunt double. Scandals were bound to happen eventually, but Patry (15), Licht's self-proclaimed secretary, swore to make sure the concert would end up successful.The entire elf saga but as a chaotic Idol AU.
Relationships: Asta & Everyone, Noelle Silva & Nozel Silva, Patri & William Vangeance
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	You Cannot Be Serious

It all escalated when Licht got hospitalized. 

The Sephira Records fell into horrid chaos; a week after the elf chief’s disappearance, he was finally found and immediately brought to the elf clan’s private hospital. All of the clan were worried sick for their chief, and their worry was mixed with frustration and sick uncertainty with the human community.

Because _how dare they!_ Patry gritted his teeth as he slammed his hands against his laptop keyboard. The _audacity_ of them, barging in with the press in the middle of Licht’s _wedding_?! 

And it was a private one! 

A week ago, Licht and Tetia’s wedding was being held. The wedding was private, because in elven culture… Why the hell would they make it public. Patry knew how the human community worked with all their disgusting media and political chaos… A perfect example would be the Silver Eagle’s former CEO Acier Silva’s scandal and death. Even _Patry_ thought she was a decent enough human, yet they still tried _and_ succeeded to drag her down either way. With that in mind, it was no wonder that the human media wanted to get dirt all over Licht’s name, too... Licht and Tetia just wanted a breather from all of the commotion with the media, and yet...

Humans and elves had a strange relationship. While the humans were run by the Kira Parliament or whatever you call it, the elves were separate from its control. But as both groups still lived on the same land, generations ago, a form of consensus between the two communities had been made.

And that was the problem—the human culture was too different from the elves’. Licht, while their chief, was also an idol. A very famous one, because he was _Licht_ , and in elven culture, it was completely fine. The elves were basically a big family—everyone knew everybody. Licht said he wanted to be an idol? Sure, no problem! They would support him all the way through!

But those damned _humans_! “How can a chief be an idol at the same time? It’s all propaganda! The elves are trying to brainwash you all!” The hell! 

Patry slammed his fist on _enter_ as the webpage began loading. Fuming with undying anger, he tried to calm himself with steady breaths. 

… When the press suddenly barged in with flashing lights, everyone was really caught off guard. No one aside from close family should know of their wedding… Even though Miss Tetia didn’t exactly get her parents’ approval, they wouldn’t have known… 

Patry thought about Lumiere and his attendant friend, Secré. 

A deep frown on his face, the fifteen year old continued to rummage through the internet. 

… So here was the thing… 

In a few days’ time, a special concert Licht had planned since the beginning of his career was going to be held. It was a charity event for a local orphanage and children’s hospital… An event for human and elven children alike. 

During the chaos that was Licht’s wedding, impressions of the flashing camera lights panging even in closed eyes, Licht had mysteriously disappeared and was assumed missing. They obviously couldn’t tell this to the news and media since it was shady as _hell_ , but… 

It was just crazy. Everything that happened in the course of a week. 

_Why did Licht disappear? How did they know where the venue was?_

_Who took Licht?_

Things were supposed to be… Happy.

 _Please don’t cancel the concert_. 

Licht, face scrunched up with tears, was distressed. Lying on the hospital bed, his fingers dug deeper into Vetto’s arm. 

_Not the event… Please…!_

Licht didn’t want the concert to be canceled, but he was in no condition for going on stage. Breaking down the entire affair, Patry thought it would make sense if it was a ploy… The human government of Clover had always wanted to paint the elves in a bad light, but fortunately to the elves, Licht’s positive outlook (hence his popularity) always refuted their attempts.

Since this concert, as it was not only one of the most anticipated events of the year for both communities, was also a symbolistic event… Not to mention conducted _by_ the elves, no less…

“The elves lied! No charity event for our children, it was all a heartless prank!”

Patry could already see that written in the headlines, and he could really care less of what some random human newspaper wanted to say. But… Then again, while he _could_ really care less about what the humans thought about the elves, Licht…

This was Licht’s dream.

“But how are we even supposed to… I don’t know, _run_ the show?” Rhya sighed as he ran a hand through white hair. “I mean… Licht’s really physically unable to perform. He might... Never be able to, even.”

Licht had been found all bloody and drugged. It was a terrifying moment within every elf’s life, not to mention what happened with Miss Tetia, as well.

Secré was the one who found him, actually… Amidst all the commotion and chaos. 

…

“The problem with having a double is that… Even though we _are_ all elves, none of us actually resemble Licht,” Fana let out a somber breath. “And then the songs and dances… How could we even replicate his hard work?”

“Thankfully, though, it is still a small concert,” Vetto remarked. “We’re basically paying for this with our own pockets, but… Yeah, how are we even…”

“ _I_ know all of Licht’s songs,” Patry retorted, gold colored eyes not leaving his laptop.

Rhya scrunched up his nose. “Well _yeah_ , ‘cuz you stalk him all day. But look, kid. You’re not even his _height_.”

Patry turned his laptop on the coffee table, and with that, a defiant look made itself visible on his face. 

Fana, Vetto, and Rhya stared at the screen. When Drowa walked by with some papers, Rhya quickly pulled him over by the arm, forcing him to look as well.

“... What,” Drowa commented after a solid minute.

“As long as we get someone who looks like Licht _enough_ , no one would notice other than myself,” shrugging, Patry continued. “I remember about the wardrobe. We’re lucky that the official costume is based on some child’s drawing.

“It has a mask, right?”

* * *

It was the strangest day in William Vangeance’s life. 

In a situation that was like a quickly put together job interview (with himself as the interviewee that— _wait_ , did he already got the job?!), an elf (who looked around his age) was sitting across from him as the details of the contract were run down.

A contract… With an elf. In an elven company.

… Huh?

The elf, who introduced himself as Patry, looked up from the papers. “So is that clear?” 

William fidgeted on his seat. “Uh, well—”

“If it is,” a piece of paper was slid to William’s side of the table. “You can just sign right _there_ , and we’ll get started.”

WIthout conscious thought, William signed the paper.

“Awesome,” Patry took back the papers and gathered them into a neat pile. Standing up, he gestured to the door. “Follow me, there’s a list of things we got to have you familiarized with.”

“... Did you just sell my organs?”

“What?” Patry squawked, looking completely scandalized. “Of course not, you need those _in_ your body to perform!”

… Alright, then.

William really had no idea how he got here.

If one didn’t know where they should go, it was best to first trace back to where they began.

William Vangeance, sixteen years old, had dreamed of becoming an idol. It was an unrealistic dream because of his face, but it was still the one thing he didn’t want to give up on. For that reason, he practiced singing all variety of songs and took his feet to different choreographies relentlessly. William wasn’t sure if it was because he wasn’t good enough (or if it was because of the scar that covered half his face), but no agency had accepted him yet. 

… Well, one agency _did_ say to his face: “What matters most is an idol’s appearance,” but… Still.

His family situation wasn’t really that good… He practically left home the moment he could. The reason why William wanted to become an idol in the first place was when he was about nine years old. At the time, the elven clan’s Licht was already three years into his career as an entertainer.

Watching the live feed from home, every concert was a fantastic performance. William was at awe. 

And now he was standing right in the middle of Sephira Records, surrounded by _so_ many elves, and he still had absolutely _no_ idea how he got here.

Patry found William through diligently digging around old audition clips of different companies. When an agency rejected an auditioner, it didn’t necessarily mean it was over. The rejection could be just because the individual’s _own style_ didn’t match the agency’s, but they could still be talented in their own right… If they were good enough, the company might direct them to another group (as competition was what made the industry round).

It took a lot of time and effort, but at some point as he surfed the internet, Patry stumbled upon one of William’s clips. 

And then he promptly dug for _any_ information on him, because—

_What in the name of every elven god out there. He looks just like Licht._

His physique, the way he moved! Now that Patry got to meet William in person, this human was practically Licht’s human twin! And not only that… Patry was exasperated at the fact that William didn’t get accepted to any of the twenty three agencies he applied for, in and out of the country, because like—just _look_ at him!

Look at _any one of his videos!_

He was a talent! 

_Well, it’s their loss now_ , Patry thought as he dragged William across the longue. _Because now he’s staying with_ us _._

“Seven songs,” Patry quickly said, pushing the human into the practice room. “We were originally going to have twelve, but we have to cut down five. No time.”

Turning around after setting the speakers, gold colored eyes looked straight into confused, violet ones. 

“Within three days, you’re going to have to learn these seven songs I’m about to show you.”

William stared at him blankly.

“... What?”

Patry clasped his hands together with an impassive expression.

“Okay, let’s start.”

… It was exhausting, confusing, and very strange. After watching the choreography once on the tablet (so that was how Licht looked like practicing his songs… He was really amazing, no matter how you looked at him), and then Patry going through every part of the song _himself_ , William’s movements were corrected carefully by the elf who watched him diligently. 

William recognized the songs. They were all Licht's, and he remembered listening to them when they first came out. From his own understanding, William knew that—

… Actually, William had no idea what exactly he was hired for. He would assume to perform, but… 

He tried recalling what Patry said when they were going through the contract. The sixteen year old could really not remember what he said.

Glancing at Patry, a nervous look made its way to his face.

Patry, who seemed to notice his gaze, took a silent minute before nodding to himself. What was he…?

“On the contract you signed,” the sound of Patry’s voice broke William’s train of thoughts, “the fifth condition states that _upon signing the contract, you will not be able to withdraw until we are one month into the agreement_. 

“Mister Vangeance. You will be taking Licht’s place for the concert in five days.”

…

Huh?

…

What, _what?!_

Taking the place of— _huh?_ Licht… As in _the_ Licht, right?! The Legendary Licht?! 

But was that even—allowed?! And—not to mention… _What_? Come to think about it, Licht had been off the media for a while now, but there weren’t any official statements about it! What was going on?!

Patry, who glanced at the clock, suddenly told him to hold his arms up. Getting his measurements taken, William realized that _yes, he was really going to be taking Licht’s place at the charity concert that was going to be held in a few days._

_… But why?!_

The younger squinted at the measurements. William nervously fidgeted. 

“... I mean, I’m _glad_ that it’s like this, but… You’re sixteen, right?”

“Uh, yes…?”

“Even the three sizes are the same. We don’t need to tailor the wardrobe.”

“... What?”

Throwing the measuring tape aside, Patry rummaged through his bag that was sitting on the wooden floor. “We’ll get you fitted with them in about an hour, just to make sure the costumes actually fit.”

“... Okay.”

Patry sighed. Looking over his shoulder, their eyes met again, and William stifled back a flinch.

“You’re awfully fidgety,” Patry simply said. “What, low self-esteem or something?”

“... Something like that,” William nodded, breaking eye contact and looking down to his feet. “I… Um, apologize…”

Patry stared at him for a bit. Putting his bag down, he turned around and crossed his arms. 

“Why do you have low confidence? Is it because of your past rejected auditions?”

“... I…”

“Stand up straight.”

William quickly did as told.

“Now look at me in the eyes.”

… Hesitantly, William looked at Patry in the eyes.

Patry smirked. 

“Now you’re starting to look a little more like Licht.”

William was not sure if he was going to like where this was going, but he had a feeling that Patry would not let him pull out of the agreement anytime soon.

… Oh boy.

* * *

“So, human. What’s your name?” Rhya asked as he plopped down on one of the seats at William’s table. The cafeteria in the Sephira Records was very relaxing. Looking up from his lunch and the lyrics of one of Licht’s songs, William blinked. 

“... William. William Vangeance.”

“William?” Rhya blinked slowly. “Wow, that’s a really human name.”

“Isn’t it~? But ‘Vangeance’ sounds so cool!” Fana laughed as she joined in. “Say, William. How’s practice going? I’m Fana, by the way. That’s Rhya.”

Shuffling a bit, William recalled Patry’s advice on dealing with his self-esteem issues. Getting his back more straight in his chair, William took a small pause before replying.

“It’s… Nice to meet you, Miss Fana and Sir Rhya,” both elves for some reason made a snort when he said that, “I finished learning the first two songs… But I’m trying to see if I can remember them completely.”

Rhya laughed. “Cool! How’s Patry treating you?”

“... Um, he’s been very helpful.”

“Nice,” smiling, Rhya stole a leaf from William’s salad. “You know... Patry can get a bit aggressive with what he does, but overall? He’s a ‘good kid.’”

William blinked slowly. Glancing down to his lunch, he nodded. “Yes, he is…

“Um… I… There is one thing I don’t really understand…”

“Hm? Ask away, we’ll try to answer them.”

“... Erm…” He looked at them nervously. “I’m… Human?”

Fana and Rhya stared at him. 

“... Uh, yeah. You’re human,” Fana confirmed his statement with a concerned nod. Rhya burst into laughter, whacking his hand against the surface of the table.

“As Patry would put it,” the older man said between laughter, nearly choking on himself, “ _we aren’t like those pesky humans, discriminating against their own kind just because of how they look! He’s coming with us whether they like it or not, it’s completely their own loss!_

“And I mean, we’re lucky enough to even have someone who resembles Licht the slightest… So yeah, even though you’re human, we kind of need you either way,” leaning back, the elf smiled lazily. “Our company really just consists of this big family, but it isn’t a rule that humans can’t join, too. It’s just more like… An unwritten thing, really, that came along with the past generations. Licht had been working to get rid of that stigma in our clan.”

Slightly embarrassed, William nodded. 

“... I see.”

Reaching out, Fana patted his shoulder. There was a small smile on her lips. “Don’t worry about taking Licht’s place, alright? It does feel that we are lying to his fans, but… We really don’t want this concert to be canceled… And we’re very lucky to have you, too.”

William nodded again. 

Later in the afternoon, they tried fitting him with the costumes. Lira, the main designer, was extremely surprised on how the mask fit so snuggly on William’s head.

“Now… Just smile!” Lira quickly said, putting his hands together in anticipation and excitement. 

William smiled, and everyone in the room gasped loudly.

It was a very tacky mask, William thought.

In the entertainment industry, there were a lot of concerns with the ethics and morals within each company. If an action was done that went against the society’s views, a company would have a lot of drawbacks unless they had the power to soften the blow.

Sephira Records worked differently from the human entertainment agencies. It was run by the elves rather than the humans, after all. Other than the land’s basic laws, a lot of the rules placed by the humans weren’t applicable to how Licht wanted to run this agency. 

But… For William to take Licht’s place in such an important concert… 

It gave William a lot of concerns.

Everyone he met in this building treated him with nothing but kindness. They didn’t even draw back in disgust at the sight of his face, and it made William so happy and worried at the same time. 

The moral concerns, really. Was this really okay? Could he really take the place of someone so… Legendary? Maybe it was different in the elven culture, but… It still felt wrong no matter how he looked at it.

And… Scandals were bound to happen, right?

On the third song, William nearly stumbled and felt himself freeze at his own mistake. Closing his eyes, he took a breath before resuming practice.

He never performed on a stage before. He never actually properly trained for this before. 

But now… William was going to be “Licht” for an entire stage. 

Confronting Patry about it, he gave him a rather deadpan answer, insulting basically everyone who was going to take a seat in Licht’s concert:

“Do you seriously think they could actually tell? They’re only there just to ‘see Licht’ and ‘hear his songs.’ They can argue with me all day long, but it’s the _entertainment industry_ , William. The audience might see rainbows and sunshine on the stage, but that is the point.”

…

Patry was a “good kid.”

“Though his view on the world is really objective,” Rhya had added. “If it weren’t for his idolization for Licht, and by extension, Licht’s ideals for a world of harmony… With him _that_ good with what he does, I swear he could totally take over the world ‘in the name of the elves,’ haha.”

Apparently, the young elf had been in this industry “since he was five.” Rhya clarified it was more like as a child, Patry would always toddle after Licht wherever he goes… Alas, Sephira Records was really just one big family.

Quite literally, too.

“It’s also a good experience for you, too, right? You get to hop straight into the industry and learn how it works from a top idol’s point of view. A great deal, I would say,” Patry flipped through some papers nonchalantly. “Better get all the experience you can, right?”

It wasn’t like he was wrong.

Factually and logically, it all made sense.

William could understand. Really.

...

“... Patry.” At the sound of his name, the elf gave him a sideways glance.

“I will create a stage that would make up for Licht’s absence.”

Violet eyes showing slight anger, William recalled all the times he had watched Licht’s concerts. They were beautiful, memorable, and breathtaking. Licht was an inspiration, and it brought happiness even to a human like himself. William understood that the industry wasn’t exactly all “rainbows and sunshine,” and as matter of fact _far_ from it, but…

In the end, he didn’t want to be a lie. He didn’t want Licht’s stage to be a lie.

He was curious… How exactly did Patry view his role model’s career? His ideals?

Why did Patry stuck with Licht so closely, to the point that he knew so much about the elven idol and chief? If it was even possible, would the elf ever lose interest in following him?

Patry’s gaze remained unreadable. After a few, he turned away, shuffling through some papers again. 

“Well, good. Get going with the next song, then. If you mess up, just stumble gracefully. 

“Even Licht’s not a god, after all.”

William stumbled gracefully at Patry’s unexpected words.

* * *

The voice wasn’t a problem because they could always lip sync with audio that was pre-made. Mistakes were bound to be made, but Patry was surprised how quickly William picked up the choreographies and songs. 

William was really talented… Talented and hard working. 

“Patry. I know that we’re short on time, but you should really go take your therapy session,” Latry said as he nudged his cousin. “Even _I’m_ going. It’s pretty important.”

“I don’t want to,” Patry shot back. There was still so much he had to look over, and the concert was in two days… 

His mind trailing back to what happened a little over a week ago, Patry’s heart sank. 

Tetia was silently screaming when the press came trampling in. Lights were flashing and it hurt everyone’s eyes, and then suddenly somebody was yelling that “Licht is missing! Does anyone see Licht?!”

“... Hey. Why don’t you go visit Licht, then?” Patry blinked slowly. Looking up to Latry, who stood beside his table, his cousin shrugged. 

“You could go with your new human friend, y’know. Didn’t Licht want to meet that human either way? And besides… You _do_ know that everyone here’s capable. We know what we’re doing, so just go. We’ll handle the rest.”

William had completely learned all seven songs. Right now, he was going through all of them again and again in costume. In a little, he was going to have a rehearsal on the actual stage.

Patry took William to the private hospital in quiet steps. William was slightly taken off guard when he was dragged out of the practice room, but he decided to follow either way. 

Walking through the park, William enjoyed the fresh air in the elven neighborhood. It was very peaceful and serene… He liked it here.

The door to a hospital room slid open. William stared ahead.

… Oh.

“Ah, Patry… You came to visit!” A disheveled look, heavy eyebags, and a tired, welcoming smile. Sitting on the bed with his back supported with a pillow was Licht… The one and only Licht. 

“Oh…! Are you William?”

William nodded.

Both of them taking a seat at the chairs set beside Licht’s bed, they began to chat, and William held back his own tears. 

He later learned what really happened.

The wedding...

Licht’s abduction and hospitalization…

Licht’s request to not cancel the show. 

Licht’s wife, Tetia, and her miscarriage.

“Thank you… And I’m sorry,” Licht apologized to William. He looked incredibly frail. Licht’s health… Even though he was only twenty five, he might not be able to perform again for life.

William shook his head. Licht shouldn’t be apologizing for something like this. 

“I… I’ll do my best. So you don’t have to worry, Mister Licht.”

A small smile on his lips, Licht nodded, the corners of his eyes wrinkling. 

“... Thank you, William. Thank you, Patry.”

The rehearsal went by smoothly. William felt rather confident, as well. Mask over his head, the teen stared at himself in the mirror. 

The lines of his face really did resemble Licht’s.

“I didn’t want to tell you, because I thought it would put unnecessary burden on you,” Patry commented offhandedly. “Since we want a successful performance, after all… A stage that is worth it.”

“... I can handle that much,” William replied gently. He smiled at his friend. “I may have low self-esteem, but I am confident in how much I can carry.”

Patry snorted. “That couldn’t be healthy.”

William laughed. “You should go take your therapy sessions, then.”

“... Even you?”

“Yes.”

“Wow, so much for scouting you.”

“And that is only the tiniest bit of what I can repay you with,” William smiled brighter. “Thank you for finding me, Patry.”

Gold colored eyes gazing off to the distance, Patry released a soft sigh.

“Alright, then. Let’s go over the schedule one more time.”

“Of course.”

* * *

About a week ago, in the middle of the night, Patry received a phone call. It was from an unknown number, and he was confused. He didn’t feel like picking it up considering everything that was happening, but...

Picking it up, he held the device to his ear.

“Hello?”

“ _It’s me_ ,” a voice said, and Patry squinted.

“... Who?”

“... _Didn’t you see the caller ID?_ ”

“There aren’t any.”

“... _Oh. It’s—it’s me, Secré_. _But most importantly, Patry! Get a private ambulance—I found Licht!_ ”

Patry’s mind went immediately blank at the human’s words. 

Licht. Licht was found.

… 

The only human who knew about the wedding aside from the bride was her brother, Lumiere Silvermillion Clover. Not only did he fail to arrive at the venue, no one was able to contact him for _days_. When the wedding got crashed, Tetia fell into great pain. They had to quickly get her to a hospital, but the press kept blocking their way.

She nearly died, but she survived.

The baby didn’t.

Licht went missing at the same time. 

All the elves were confused. They were furious, distressed, and confused. Because of that incident, everyone basically needed therapy, but Patry instead just threw himself into more work, using everything he knew and learned across his lifetime.

The Sephira Records had to survive. Patry wouldn’t allow those humans to take away any _more_ from the elves.

Many agreed as well. Everyone was beyond furious. It was an unspoken agreement to cancel the event (that was made for _those damned humans, of all people_ ), but when Licht was found and finally conscious again…

“Please don’t cancel it.”

 _Please don’t cancel the concert_. 

Licht, who still had harmful drugs coursing through his system, was begging them with tears and distress. He somehow found out about Tetia’s miscarriage as well, but he still insisted on the concert’s continuation.

“I still believe in a world of faith, hope and love. I don’t want it to end before it could begin…! So please… Not the event…!”

Licht was his favorite person. He didn’t like seeing him so upset… It was awful.

Since Patry was good at what he does, maybe he could make the stage possible.

For Licht.

Laughter of the children was bright and happy. It was the day of the concert, and Patry gazed ahead. William, adjusting the mask on his head, stood tall and proud. With half of his face covered like that, no one would notice that he wasn’t Licht.

The decision for a doppelganger was risky, Patry knew that. But honestly? He didn’t care. 

Even though this was just “putting up a show,” it was still meaningful in its own way. This was… A charity event. An event for both humans and elves. 

But if the media should ever find out…

… The drawbacks for Sephira Records and the elven community would be tremendous... Undoubtedly so. But not only that…

William’s life might as well be over, too. 

There was no use thinking about all of this right now, though. 

Patry thought back to the songs chosen for this event. They were peaceful songs… Nothing _too_ intense. 

It was about time. Glancing back, Patry met William’s eyes.

“Ready?”

William nodded. Charla and Lira were helping make small adjustments on his outfit, Lufulu rushing around to help with the technology. A thumbs up was given by Baval, who was in charge of the set up, and in three…

The lights turned on.

Stepping onto the stage, William kept his back straight. Light reflected off of the gold contacts over purple irises, and the sixteen year old took a steady breath.

He smiled.

The final stage began.

  
  
  
  
  


… Two human children from the local orphanage watched “Licht’s” grand stage with wide eyes that sparkled in awe. 

“I wanna do that, too!” Asta said loudly, pointing at the masked man as he sang his last song. Yuno nodding in agreement, the young boy’s gaze was unable to leave the stage.

“I… Me, too…!”


End file.
